Troubles and Trees
by exiled mind
Summary: Remus' holiday is not going quite as well as he'd hoped.


This piece was written for a holiday fic exchangeover on LJ. Prompts were: Remus/Sirius, Sirius' flat, no tree, and Lily/James. Betaed by the ever wonderful nelliedarlin. As always, feedback (or advice, encouragement, Brit-picking, etc...) are always encouraged and appreciated.

* * *

Remus was the one to answer the bell when James, Lily, and Harry arrived at the doorstep. He opened the door in time to hear Lily's exasperated, "I hardly think a little floo powder would've hurt, James," and James' resolute, "But we don't want to take any chances, Lil." Remus grinned as he heard Lily's muttered, "And the cold is so terribly _good_ for a baby's lungs," before she stepped into Remus' arms for a hug.

"Happy Christmas, Remus." Lily's eyes betrayed her amusement at her husband's protectiveness – Remus knew that she found James' wholehearted devotion to their son charming. "Sorry we're a bit late, we got a little carried away taking photographs of Harry's first Christmas Eve."

"It's alright, we're happy you've come." Remus ushered them into the flat and shut the door behind them, his mood instantly brightened by the arrival of his friends. He only hoped they would have a similar effect on Sirius, pulling him out of the cross mood he'd wallowed in lately.

The escalation of the war since they had all left school had made it hard to visit as often as he would like – due to both the limited time between assignments and concerns for the safety of the Order members. It was generally not wise to stick to the same schedule, nor gather together in large groups. In these troubled times such actions only served to draw the sort of attention one did not wish to have.

But such precautions also made for many lonely evenings. No amount of strategy or desire for safety could combat that particular emotion when one acknowledged that each meeting with friends could be the last.

"Where's Sirius? Causing trouble, no doubt." James laughed and threw an arm around Remus' shoulder, his other holding his bright-eyed son, who was wrapped up tightly against the cold.

Remus drew his mind away from the gloomy thoughts that had hounded him recently and gave James a fierce hug before reaching for Harry.

At nearly five months old, the boy was growing like a weed and was eagerly interacting with the world around him. At the moment he was enthusiastically covering James' glasses with drool-covered fingerprints and giggling madly.

James smiled indulgently and handed Harry over into Remus' arms. "Here ya go mate, you rein in the little terror for a while." James took off his specs and began to wipe them off on the hem of his jumper.

"Gladly," Remus replied, smiling at Harry. He ran one hand across the wild spiky locks atop Harry's head and turned to Lily. "Quite the mop top he's got there."

"Indeed," she replied. "Takes after someone we know, poor child."

"Hey!" James tried to glare at them both, but his shortsightedness meant this was more performance then serious attempt.

Hearing the pad of footsteps from the bedroom, Remus turned to see that Sirius had finally emerged. In time to catch James' expression, Sirius exclaimed, "What's all this, mate? You aren't allowed to pull such faces on Christmas Eve! It's a time for togetherness, carols, feasting… and showering me with dozens of generous gifts, of course."

James snorted as he replaced his glasses and pulled the grinning Sirius into a headlock. Sirius gave him a few firm thumps on the back before he twisted free and turned to Lily, sweeping her into a hug. "Good to see you both. It's been too long."

"That it has," agreed Lily, returning the embrace.

Sirius stepped back and turned to Remus, holding out his arms for the baby. Remus surrendered Harry into Sirius' arms and watched as the boy began to work his charms on Sirius.

"We're glad we could make it," Lily said. "With the state of things, it seems there's never enough time for fun…"

Lily's voice trailed off and she turned on the spot, looking around the flat.

"You haven't got a tree." Lily's voice was surprised, and she looked around the room as if they might be hiding one off in a corner somewhere, before turning to Remus and Sirius with eyebrows raised.

There was silence for a moment, and Remus wondered if Sirius would be the one to respond. After a long minute in which Sirius kept his attention firmly on Harry's quiet babbling, it was clear that he had no intentions of explaining. As the slightly uncomfortable silence grew, Remus pressed his lips together in annoyance.

"No, Sirius doesn't believe in that particular tradition." Remus tried to keep his voice from betraying his feelings about how ridiculous _that_ was, but he was prettysure he failed. He wanted to act as if this wasn't something they'd argued about every other day since the beginning of December, but he was still irritated at the loss of one of the traditions he'd held dear and Sirius' refusal to even _explain_ why he'd banned it from the flat.

"Well, I know you do, and don't you live here too?" James asked, looking at Sirius strangely. Sirius, noticing the attention, glared back at James with a mulish expression on his handsome face.

Remus didn't know what to say to that. After a long period of spending more time at Sirius' place than with his parents, with whom he moved back after leaving school, Remus had finally agreed to move in with Sirius that past summer. Sirius had systematically worn down Remus' resistance and excuses ("I don't have the money." "What will my parents do without me?" "What if we drive each other crazy?") until, just for a single moment of peace, Remus had finally agreed to move in. Sirius had never used the fact that Remus couldn't contribute much financially against him, at least not explicitly. Sirius had known, however, that when he refused the notion of the tree, Remus would remember who was paying the bills and not feel comfortable insisting.

Remus wasn't even _that_ terribly bothered by not having a Christmas tree to drop dried needles onto the floor to poke into unsuspecting bare feet. He was more bothered by the fact that Sirius had made such a silly, stubborn refusal and wouldn't tell Remus _why_.

After a moment of Remus' silence, Sirius cut in. "We don't need a tree to celebrate, James. I've been through this with Remus already. _It's fine._ His frown was becoming more pronounced, and even Harry seemed to notice the atmosphere, because he'd stuck the two middle fingers of his left hand into his mouth and was looking solemnly up at Sirius with his wide, green eyes.

"No, it's not. You've managed to enjoy Christmas in the past just fine. They decorated trees at Hogwarts every year. You didn't get your knickers in a twist then, and you'll manage this fine as well. Get over it." James words were calm but forceful, and he began walking around the flat, obviously looking for something.

Remus had no idea what they were talking about, but it was clear there was more there than either man was letting on. And Remus was left out. He tried to tell himself that it was okay, and that this was the way it had always been, but he couldn't help feeling slightly hurt.

Ignoring Sirius' scowl, James dragged in the coat stand from the entranceway. He deposited all the coats and scarves in a heap in the corner and then pulled out his wand, turned, and set about transfiguring the coat stand into a proper Christmas tree.

Surprisingly, Lily didn't comment on James ignoring Sirius' protests, nor try to stop him. Apparently even she was better informed than Remus was about Sirius' reason for his madness. Not surprising – James shared nearly everything with Lily.

He wished he could have that level of trust with Sirius.

Once James was finished, Lily asked Remus if he had any decorations for the tree, and Remus unearthed the boxes he'd shoved angrily in the back of the linen closet after Sirius had vetoed the idea of buying a tree several weeks before.

While Remus, James, and Lily argued over the best placement of the ornaments on the tree, Sirius sat on the floor playing with Harry and pretending to ignore them.

Remus stole furtive glances at Sirius the entire time they decorated the erstwhile coat stand and could see him gradually relax. The tension left his shoulders and the happy expression on his face became less forced.

Remus took out one last box and looked down at it with a sad smile. He'd bought this one as a St. Nicholas' feast day gift for Sirius, but hadn't yet given it to him. It had caught his eye immediately upon walking into the store, and he couldn't help but buy the engraved metal ornament depicting a shaggy dog with a goofy grin and a St. Nicholas hat.

He took a breath and walked over to Sirius, kneeling on the floor next to Harry. He held out the ornament, which was slightly smaller than his palm, and waited to see if Sirius would accept it. Remus hoped that he wasn't about to ruin the relaxed atmosphere that had grown in the half-hour since they'd begun decorating.

"Happy Christmas, Sirius."

Sirius looked at Remus, then the gift, and reached out his hand to take it. He stared at it for a long moment as it spun on the ribbon it hung from, transfixed. Then, to Remus' relief and happiness, Sirius stood up, lifted Harry into his arms, and walked over to the tree. He spent several minutes deciding on the perfect spot, and hung the gift on a branch near the top of the tree.

Remus walked up to Sirius and hesitantly wrapped an arm around both him and Harry. "Looks good up there."

Sirius answered with a soft smile and a kiss pressed gently to Remus' lips. The ornament was Remus' olive branch, and Sirius had just accepted it. Remus couldn't resist a sigh of relief.

They were interrupted by a childish shriek and little fingers pushing their way between their lips. Remus stepped back and laughed, tweaking Harry's nose. "Troublemaker."

Harry then reached his chubby arms and grasping fingers out towards the tree, entranced by the colors and glitter of the ornaments dangling in front of his face.

"Uh oh," said James, laughing from the other side of the tree. "He'll be moving all about on his own next Christmas – we'll have to put the decorations on the highest branches where he can't reach."

Lily snorted. "If he's anything like you he'll just attempt to climb the tree and go after them."

"Either that or steal your broom and fly himself up to the top," Sirius added, reaching up to tousle James' hair.

"Oh please, don't give him ideas. I'm already worried about the effect having you as a godfather is having on my son." James frowned, attempting to look stern and failing completely. Apparently the penchant for mischief was so ingrained that even fatherhood couldn't quell it.

"Only the best, James," Remus insisted. "We'll have him acting like a proper Marauder in no time." His smile widened at the slightly pained look that crossed Lily's face at that pronouncement.

With the tree finished, Sirius began pulling out all the gifts he and Remus had bought and setting them under the tree. Lily reclined on the sofa and fed Harry while listening to Sirius' slightly naughty rendition of her favorite carols.

James followed Remus into the kitchen, stating that he'd help prepare their holiday meal, but Remus suspected that he had ulterior motives.

"Has Sirius talked much about holidays in the Black family tradition?" James inquired softly once they were safely out of earshot.

"Nothing specific, really. I know about him rebelling, and how much he hated it there. The things he told us about at school and all that." Remus knew there was far more to Sirius' history than he had been willing to share so far. He hadn't wanted to press into such obviously upsetting topics.

James took a deep breath and his hand reached up to muss his hair, an unconscious gesture he made, Remus knew, when gathering his thoughts. "It… wasn't good.

"They were never allowed to help pick the tree, or even decorate it. That was always done by house-elves because it was deemed to be 'beneath a Black to do such manual labor'."

"That's hardly lab-" Remus commented.

"I know that, but everyone knows that the Blacks are mad. They don't think the way the 'peasants' do." James' tone was tinged with bitter sarcasm. "Sirius' father thought that the entire tradition of having a tree was plebeian and daft, but his mother insisted on having one. Said it was only proper and that they could stand out by having the biggest and most tastefully decorated one of any in their circle. Any celebrations they had were done only because it was expected socially. Not out of love, togetherness, or good will."

"I can't say that I'm surprised." Remus felt a hard knot forming in his stomach.

"I'd expect nothing less from the family Black. It's amazing Sirius survived at all, rebel that he is. As children, he and Regulus were never allowed to open presents in the morning. They were always forced to wait until after all the family and other influential houseguests had visited before they could even_ look_ at their gifts. Some kind of attention thing, having Sirius and Regulus open their gifts in front of their parents' peers. Probably showing off their wealth and 'generosity'." James sighed. "Once, Sirius snuck downstairs and opened a gift early. His mother discovered him and flew into a rage. Tossed every gift into the fire. She even threatened Sirius, saying he'd be next if he ever disobeyed her again."

"How did you find all this out?" Remus was both horrified and curious. James had always been a confidant of Sirius', but it seemed unlike Sirius to be so open about his past. He generally sought to ignore it if he possibly could.

"Got him drunk one night in fifth year. He'd nicked a rather large amount of firewhisky from his parents when we'd been off on holiday that Christmas. You were off in the library and Pete was serving detention for the Flobberworm Incident."

Remus nodded in recollection, wincing as he remembered the details of the event.

"Yeah, quite the uproar. Anyways, we dipped into the stash rather more than we should have. After a while there was very little Sirius _wouldn't_ talk about. In fact, that's when I first found out about his crush on you. Surprised me more than a bit, even as drunk as I was." James laughed at the memory and poked Remus. "Even you didn't have much of a clue at the time."

Remus grinned, momentarily distracted. "I hadn't realized that you'd known that early. Although I suppose that explains why you weren't terribly shocked when we eventually did realize..."

"Yeah," James agreed. "It was pretty much a waiting game after that."

Silence reigned in the kitchen for several minutes as they worked together preparing their meal, each lost in thought.

--

Sirius had taken Christmas shopping to a whole new level, prowling the shops, Magical and Muggle alike, for gifts that he deemed suitable for his friends. Searching for gifts for Harry, especially, had been a lesson in tolerance for Remus, whom Sirius insisted come along on the quest.

Sirius had spent days in toy stores, bookshops, baby boutiques, and even joke shops, much to Remus' chagrin. "We must start him young, Remus." Sirius had insisted. "Set a good example and all that."

Remus hadn't bothered to question what Sirius' idea of a "good" example was. He suspected that it was the sort that would result in Lily hurling hexes at them both for corrupting her young son. James would be pleased – out of Lily's hearing, of course.

Remus had dutifully accompanied Sirius on the trek from shop to shop, carrying bags and offering opinions when asked, and sometimes when not. Although Sirius had a good range of gifts, from the cute and cuddly to the slightly mischievous – Remus cautioned Sirius (to no avail) that it was likely neither Lily nor James would appreciate him giving their son a magical farting teddy bear – he also had a habit of focusing on gifts far beyond Harry's age level.

Despite Remus' protests, Sirius insisted that the gifts could be stored and saved for when Harry grew older, which was why they had their spare closet half-filled with a variety of toys and games, already wrapped in cheerful paper and labeled _To Harry_. Sirius had, to Remus' chagrin, labeled most of Harry's presents, both current and future, as being from them both.

"You helped pick them out, Remus." Sirius had insisted. "That's what's most important." No amount of rationalizing or embarrassed protest would change Sirius' mind, and Remus had to admit that a small part of his mind was happy that he too could shower Harry with gifts the way Sirius was wont to do.

It had been an exasperating experience for Remus, who couldn't understand the fervor that drove Sirius to such exhausting lengths this season. The conflicting actions – eagerly shopping for presents and talking excitedly of plans to meet with their friends, but then firmly resisting the idea of getting a tree or decorating the apartment – thoroughly confused and irritated Remus. As usual, Sirius Black made sense only unto himself.

--

But what James had told him helped Remus to rationalize Sirius' behavior a little. It could be seen as a selfish compulsion – filling a space in his past and heart. Remus suspected that Sirius was motivated more through a desire to be different from his family and make the holidays a happier, more colorful experience for those around him. He never wanted his friends to wonder about whether they were loved and cherished.

Remus sighed and turned to James. "I feel rather bad now. I wasn't exactly subtle about my feelings on the tree. It seems silly of me, now, to have focused on that one thing. I just thought he was being stubborn and rebellious again." He stared down at the countertop underneath his hands. "I didn't realize that the tree represented his family and their customs that he was trying to deny. I can see how much more personal it is now, here, in his own home, than it was at Hogwarts. How it might hurt more."

"It's okay, mate." James' voice and the hand on Remus' shoulder were reassuring. "He's got to grow out of it sometime, you know. He's got to realize that he's _not them_ and that he doesn't have to be so bloody defiant all the time to prove it to himself."

"When did you get to be the voice of reason?"

James smiled and ran his hands through his hair once again. "Lily's had _some_ effect on me, you know." He turned serious once again. "It'll happen to Sirius, too. He's got to grow up eventually."

Remus shook his head somewhat despairingly and walked to stand at entrance to the kitchen. He smiled as he watched Sirius tickle Harry's stomach with a piece of garland.

He and Sirius didn't quite have what James and Lily had. They lacked the ease of the relationship; that sense that it was always meant to be. Perhaps that was something that would come with time. Or perhaps not at all – Remus wasn't quite sure where they stood anymore.

Things were no longer as "simple" as they were when they were all at Hogwarts.

--

Later on, after they had all eaten, laughed, unwrapped gifts, and said their goodbyes, Remus collapsed onto the couch beside Sirius and put his head on the other man's shoulder. They sat there in a surprisingly comfortable silence, while Remus argued with himself about the best way to talk to Sirius.

After several moments, Remus sighed, deciding to just start talking. "James told me about Christmases with your family."

Sirius scowled into the fire and neither turned nor commented.

"I wish you'd told me why you didn't want a tree. I wouldn't have pushed so hard. I wasn't so upset about the tree or the decorations and all that…" Remus looked down at his hands. "I didn't like feeling left out. It felt as if you were hiding something from me."

Sirius sighed and finally looked at Remus. "I know it seems childish." He stopped for a moment, collecting his thoughts, and exhaled sharply with a harsh, barking laugh that held no humor. "I didn't want to think about them. Not now. Not ever, really. Every time I thought about going out and picking a tree I couldn't help but think back."

"I'm sorry. I _am_ here for you, though. I'm a good listener."

Sirius offered a half-hearted attempt at a smile. "I know you are. And I appreciate it. Maybe… sometime. I dunno." He sighed, and placed his hand in Remus', interlacing their fingers. "Those weren't good times, Remus. I didn't want all of that taking the fun out of what I have now."

Remus tried not to feel hurt by Sirius unwillingness to confide in him. Communication had never been their strong suit. For either of them.

"It doesn't have to, you know."

They sat in silence for a moment, Remus allowing Sirius the time to stare into the flames, thinking.

"Feels weird, Moony," Sirius said, finally, and stood to look at the tree. "In a way, I like it. How we all decorated together – like a family, almost. It's not so bad, I suppose. The tree, I mean. Now that it's here, all decorated and with presents underneath, it just seems right."

"Good." Remus smiled, happy that Sirius seemed to be coming around, just a bit. With that tiny step taken, Remus decided to stop fretting, at least for the moment. He walked up behind Sirius and wrapped his arms around the other man's waist. "We can't turn it back now anyways. I think it'd be rather silly-looking to have a garland and tinsel draped coat stand in our flat."

As Remus had hoped, Sirius smiled at the thought. "No, indeed we can't."

Sirius turned his head and pressed his lips to Remus' in a long, slow kiss.

Remus slid his hand down Sirius' chest to play just inside the hem of Sirius' trousers. Sirius responded only by pressing against Remus' lips harder. Remus moved his hand up underneath Sirius' jumper to stroke the soft skin of his abdomen in rhythmic motions. The muscles in Sirius' stomach clenched at the sensation, and he broke their kiss, chuckling slightly.

"Trying to cheer me up, Moony?" Sirius asked, turning his body in the circle of Remus' arms to face Remus and grin into his eyes.

Remus leaned in and kissed along Sirius' jaw, sucking on the skin below his ear and appreciating Sirius' swift inhalation. "Is it working?"

"You're-" Sirius breath caught as Remus pulled him in as close as possible. "You're on the right track."

"I'll keep working on it then."

They continued in that manner for several minutes, and Remus savored their teasing. He nipped at Sirius, stroked with fingers and the lightest touch of teeth, and Sirius offered continued, laughing encouragement of his progress.

--

A while later, when the silence was broken only by their soft breathing, Remus turned his head to look at Sirius, and curled himself more closely into the other man's side.

Sirius turned his face into the top of Remus' head, and just before falling into an exhausted slumber, Remus felt the light brush of lips across his scalp and heard the soft whisper:

"Happy Christmas, Remus."


End file.
